Wishing to Stay Asleep

Lying awake but no desire to see
Wishing my life contained more glee
Unable to open my eyes to the world
Deep depression, my mind a swirl
I wish not to leave my dreams
Sleep trumps life, or so it seems
Wishing to love my life
But I am so torn up by strife
So many stresses on my mind
I am constantly in a bind
Who am I?
I roll out of bed with a sigh
Greeting yet another miserable day
To ease my sorrow I spark a jay
Why do I drift deeper and deeper into despair?
If only I could care
About the direction my future took
I should just glance and take a look
But my depression kept me down
All I wished to do was pound and pound
Beer after beer
Tear after tear
Will yet again be filled with sorrow



For the first time in my life I was silent.  Words were not spewing from my lips, but my mind was shrieking.  I awoke to hail the size of elephants exploding on the tarp above me, the only cover I had protecting me from the utter misery of a winter in Utah.  The restless rest I experienced the night before was nothing compared to a night of sleep in my queen size bed at home.  I must have only slept ten minutes, I thought, as I lay looking at the tarnished tarp swaying back and forth above me.  It was not until I awoke that morning on February 23 in the middle of the barren, snowy Utah wilderness that I realized where the full extent of my atrocious behavior had landed me.  I vaguely remembered the night before when I had been picked up by two rugged men in a lifted pickup truck from the Las Vegas airport.  Their job was to drive me, blindfolded, into what seemed to be a sea of dirt roads and desolate land that stretched as far as they eye could see.  I was transported to a group of eight troubled, young men, my companions on a journey that would sculpt my life forever.  A journey I would never forget.
            That first morning was the most difficult.  I heard the seven other young men in my group utter harsh words while preparing for what lay ahead.  I had not even met the others in my group and had no idea what occurred during a day in the wild.  The few moments that I spent covered in frost, laying in my sleeping bag, I felt completely lost.  It was one of the few times that I had ever looked inward, looked at who I had become and who I really desired to be.  The next 65 days were meant for me to look within and try to change the flaws that led up to me being sent away to the wilderness.

-Marshall Glass